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Question: can you please give feedback for this story: I was touring the tower of London, when I found a crack in the wall. I touched it and the wall caved in! I, being the curious person I am, ventured in. It smelled musty to the extreme, the air tasting dusty as heck. The handlebars felt chilling, and the wall… mossy. Ignoring the talking, heard by cracks in the walls, I ventured past the dark spiralling hallway and found… a diary? I picked it up and read. January 25, 1738 Dear diary, I have a long story to tell, so sit tight. It all began at 6:00 am this morning, when the king summoned me! I sped to the castle, quickly scarfing down my fish and chips. When I finally arrived at 6:25 (my armour was heavy), the king was already having breakfast prepared by his chef. I took it all in. the velvet red carpet, the stunning throne, the sound of trumpets resounded. I took a sniff. The immaculate breath of the king, and the whiff of poison in the broth the chef was carrying… “Wait a minute” I thought. I quickly dove in front of the chef and made him tip his pot. Then a cockroach came and licked the broth on the floor. And then died immediately. Then the “chef” threw off his hat and apron and revealed himself to be… BARON BONDINKLEPANTS! The hideous, orange-haired man clad in a black chest plate cackled, flashing a daring wink at the maid. He bombastically shouted, “Now! Get them!” “OK, boss!” rang a reply as multiple orange-haired men rushed out of the kitchen, clutching torches, knifes, and egg salad sandwiches. Then King George rushed out of there quicker than you could say “Sassafras”! with me following close. I had a rush of adrenaline as we zoomed through the town and ended up in the tower of London. I couldn’t taste anything; I was so numb. The searing heat made my skin boil against the heating armour I had on. When suddenly I fell. The new area wasn’t finished yet! Thank God I had my armour airbags on! I tumbled down the street and stopped at the incline. I got up and saw a bawling King. I kneeled and said, “Hey. Who cares who wants to murder you? In fact, I heard that that stupid baron is close to being arrested!” He whimpered “Really?” “Yes.” Came my reply. He went to get breakfast and I caught an alone Baron seeking the King. I put some cuffs on him and brought him to the king. He shouted at the Baron and had him took away. Then he thanked me for helping him and also said I had a huge reward in store. I wonder what my reward will be? Jack January 26, 1738 I got a promotion! The king was so glad for my help and service that I got the most important job of all, guarding the Crown Jewels! I am super glad and will protect the Jewels with my life! Jack March 2, 1738 It’s tiring work, but I will never forget the escapades that happened here. Me and the king running from a billion zillion jillion cronies, me and the king tumbling after falling off the now finished crown jewels hiding place, the time the baron broke in and how I fended him off and they had an emergency wall-blocking lever placed just in case. Ahh… memories. Jack April 1, 1738 Well, THIS is a bad April fool’s joke. The Baron broke out again and now I’m stuck because he flicked the wall switch and now I’m stuck here. I hope someone finds me soon. Jack April 3, 1738 I am weakening by the hour. No one has found me in two days. I’m out of water and food. Who knows how long I’ll last. Jack sometime, 1738 i am growing weak… to anyone reading this, remember… Long Live The King… and also ne There was nothing after that. I pondered this untimely end to the entry and noticed the rotting skeleton, clad in black full body armour. Poor chap, I thought. I went back and took the diary to the British History Museum. The curator inspected the dates using Wikipedia and found that it matched up with the proper dates! I got a No Bell prize for finding crud and waltzed to my home right next to Nintendo of Europe. Then I took a well-deserved nap. Seb
This story is very entertaining and reads like a fun-filled adventure. The use of historic locations such as the Tower of London and references to British culture enrich the plot. The character of Jack and his diary entries provide a charming peek into the past. However, there are several areas you could improve: 1. **Point of View Consistency:** Your story switches from first person to third person at some points (e.g. 'Poor chap, I thought'). To avoid confusing readers, choose one point of view and stick with it. 2. **Sentence Structure:** Vary your sentence lengths to enhance the rhythm and pace. Long sentences are great for building tension or describing something, while short sentences can provide impact or denote action. 3. **Authenticity:** Verify the historical facts in your story, especially details like the existence of armour airbags in 1738 and the presence of the King in the Tower of London. While the story is light-hearted and tongue-in-cheek, historical inaccuracies may distract some readers. 4. **More In-depth Description:** While you have rich descriptions in parts of the story, try adding more descriptive elements to immerse your reader further into the narrative. Descriptions can help to enhance the atmosphere of the story and make it more engaging. 5. **Correct use of terms:** The term "No Bell prize" seems to be a play on words for "Nobel Prize". While humorous, be sure this is clear to the reader to avoid any confusion. In conclusion, your story is fun and engaging. With a little more attention to detail and some refining, it could become a compelling read. Keep writing!
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