Ask AI on The Internet
Question: can you please give feedback for this story: I was touring the tower of London, when I found a crack in the wall. I touched it and the wall caved in! I, being the curious person I am, ventured in. It smelled musty to the extreme, the air tasting dusty as heck. The handlebars felt chilling, and the wall… mossy. Ignoring the talking, heard by cracks in the walls, I ventured past the dark spiralling hallway and found… a diary? I picked it up and read. January 25, 1738 Dear diary, I have a long story to tell, so sit tight. It all began at 6:00 am this morning, when the king summoned me! I sped to the castle, quickly scarfing down my fish and chips. When I finally arrived at 6:25 (my armour was heavy), the king was already having breakfast prepared by his chef. I took it all in. the velvet red carpet, the stunning throne, the sound of trumpets resounded. I took a sniff. The immaculate breath of the king, and the whiff of poison in the broth the chef was carrying… “Wait a minute” I thought. I quickly dove in front of the chef and made him tip his pot. Then a cockroach came and licked the broth on the floor. And then died immediately. Then the “chef” threw off his hat and apron and revealed himself to be… BARON BONDINKLEPANTS! The hideous, orange-haired man clad in a black chest plate cackled, flashing a daring wink at the maid. He bombastically shouted, “Now! Get them!” “OK, boss!” rang a reply as multiple orange-haired men rushed out of the kitchen, clutching torches, knifes, and egg salad sandwiches. Then King George rushed out of there quicker than you could say “Sassafras”! with me following close. I had a rush of adrenaline as we zoomed through the town and ended up in the tower of London. I couldn’t taste anything; I was so numb. The searing heat made my skin boil against the heating armour I had on. When suddenly I fell. The new area wasn’t finished yet! Thank God I had my armour airbags on! I tumbled down the street and stopped at the incline. I got up and saw a bawling King. I kneeled and said, “Hey. Who cares who wants to murder you? In fact, I heard that that stupid baron is close to being arrested!” He whimpered “Really?” “Yes.” Came my reply. He went to get breakfast and I caught an alone Baron seeking the King. I put some cuffs on him and brought him to the king. He shouted at the Baron and had him took away. Then he thanked me for helping him and also said I had a huge reward in store. I wonder what my reward will be? Jack January 26, 1738 I got a promotion! The king was so glad for my help and service that I got the most important job of all, guarding the Crown Jewels! I am super glad and will protect the Jewels with my life! Jack March 2, 1738 It’s tiring work, but I will never forget the escapades that happened here. Me and the king running from a billion zillion jillion cronies, me and the king tumbling after falling off the now finished crown jewels hiding place, the time the baron broke in and how I fended him off and they had an emergency wall-blocking lever placed just in case. Ahh… memories. Jack April 1, 1738 Well, THIS is a bad April fool’s joke. The Baron broke out again and now I’m stuck because he flicked the wall switch and now I’m stuck here. I hope someone finds me soon. Jack April 3, 1738 I am weakening by the hour. No one has found me in two days. I’m out of water and food. Who knows how long I’ll last. Jack sometime, 1738 i am growing weak… to anyone reading this, remember… Long Live The King… and also ne There was nothing after that. I pondered this untimely end to the entry and noticed the rotting skeleton, clad in black full body armour. Poor chap, I thought. I went back and took the diary to the British History Museum. The curator inspected the dates using Wikipedia and found that it matched up with the proper dates! I got a No Bell prize for finding crud and waltzed to my home right next to Nintendo of Europe. Then I took a well-deserved nap. Seb
Overall, this is a fun and creative story with several aspects that add intrigue to your narrative. 1. Engaging Plot: The initial discovery of the diary and the adventure that ensues, makes it fascinating. The historical references give depth to your tale and the whimsical characters, such as Baron Boninklepants, add a splash of humor. 2. Characterization: Even in the limited diary entries, you've managed to imbue Jack with distinct personality traits which are appealing. However, here are some points to consider for improvement: 1. Description and detail: You've done well to describe scenes. However, be careful with sentences like "the air tasting dusty as heck" and "Then King George rushed out of there quicker than you could say “Sassafras”! They are a bit too informal for your story's setting, and the latter is a bit cliché. 2. Continuity: While the diary is a neat narrative tool, it's important to be cautious of continuity issues. For example, when Jack is stuck behind the wall, how is he writing in his diary considering he doesn't have food or water? How does the diary (and the ink in which it's written) survive over centuries in relatively good condition? 3. Historical and factual accuracy: Checking the dates using Wikipedia and a "No Bell" prize for discovery feels anachronistic and a bit comical in the otherwise semi-historical setting of the story. 4. Grammar, Spelling and Punctuation: Double-check for errors. For example, "knifes" should be "knives", "an alone Baron" should be "a lone Baron". 5. Ending: The story's conclusion where the protagonist 'waltzes' home next to Nintendo of Europe feels abrupt and disconnected from the previous story. It may work better if it tied more directly with the rest of the story. Regardless, your story provides a unique and enjoyable ride, combining elements of history, humor, and adventure. With more focus on the points above, your storytelling could be even more captivating. Keep writing and improving!
A new large language model has been made available since this question was asked.
To generate an updated answer from the new model, click the button below.
Think your answer is better than the AI's? Post it below.
Question Tags
If you want your question answered by an AI, click here.
Post your own comment: