Ask AI: Long and Funny letter to adult men from bad Santa

Dear Old Chap (Or is it no longer politically correct to use "old"?), Ho, Ho, no. Before your expectations begin to soar and visions of sugarplums start dancing in your balding head. No, I am not the cheery, rotund, gift-spreading saint you've come to expect. This is Bad Santa, and frankly, I've got a few issues to address. Firstly, what in the world were you thinking when you asked for "Peace on Earth"? I mean, come on now, I'm essentially a global scale burglar with a reindeer fetish, not Nostradamus. If you want peace on earth, might I suggest not arguing with your in-laws about the EU's trade rules or the merits of different barbecue grills. Next, your request for a "Porsche 911" – do you honestly believe that is expressible down a chimney, even if it were made of elastic? Moreover, who do you think I am, Elon Musk? Cut back on watching The Grand Tour; it’s doing you no good. On the topic of requests, why'd you ask for a six-pack, man? Are we talking beer or abs? Because trust me when I say, neither is likely to happen. Those Christmas cookies you've been sneaking (I see everything, remember?) are doing no favors to your waistline or liver. And don't even get me started about your habit of guzzling down eggnog like a reindeer dying of thirst. And yes, I got your message about wanting "more time". Buddy, I manipulate space-time fabric each Christmas Eve to deliver presents all across the universe and you want me to give you an extra hour for what? Scrolling through social media endlessly or dozing off on that battered couch watching reruns? Be realistic! In terms of your wish for the "lottery win", let's just say I've put that one in the ‘Are-you-kidding-me?’ pile, right next to your request for world peace. Now onto the woolen socks you complained of receiving last year. They were knitted by Mrs. Claus - did you think that they spontaneously knitted themselves? And yes, they were in possibly the worst shade of puce imaginable, but hey, festive oversights happen. She's been knitting those things since July. Lastly, your lack of faith in my existence is a touch disheartening. Yes, you've been hanging out on Reddit too much. And, yes, I know what Reddit is, centuries-old magical beings can use the internet too. I'm writing this on a MacBook Pro while downing a Starbucks, remember? In conclusion, stay reasonable with your demands, keep them reindeer-friendly, go easy on the eggnog, and for heaven’s sake appreciate those socks! Oh, and leave out some good quality cookies this year, none of that gluten-free, dairy-free, fun-free stuff. Yours Grumpily, Bad Santa